I co-hosted a shower today for a friend who's due in about a month. Lots of my friends from my teaching days were there, as the mother-to-be was one of us back in the day, so it was particularly fun because we so rarely see each other all at once.
The shower had basically ended, but all we teachers had congregated in the family room where it was more cozy, and were just chatting. Of the six of us in there, four were pregnant. Julie, the woman we were partying for, was obviously the soonest. But then someone said, "Okay, when's everyone's due dates?" And it went: August, September, October. Then one of them, who's been trying, said, "If I am, then I'll be due in December." And November stuck out like a big black hole in the calendar. The month I would have become a mom.
It's a good thing that there never really was a baby in there, because I can't imagine how wrecked I'd be if there had been, given how I can't seem to let this go. Another friend of mine, who miscarried twice before having her first, made a really good point about how the HOPE that is involved in being pregnant is what makes it so devastating when you lose the pregnancy. Your hopes get elevated to an astonishing degree, just sky-high and within an arm's reach of heaven, and then suddenly you're plummeted back to earth and the landing is not at all soft.
I started a journal the day I got my positive test, and recorded all my thoughts, and symptoms (very short list since I hardly had any), the people I told each day about the pregnancy, and I finally threw it away the other day. It was a bit liberating, getting rid of the physical evidence of the hope that had been decimated. Like finally getting rid of the trinkets an old boyfriend gave you years ago, or mementos from years past that conjure the choices you wish you hadn't made. But I can't help thinking that, the next time I get to start that kind of journal, all the excitement will be out of it, because it won't be the first time, and every time I write in it I'll wonder if this journal will last longer than a month.
I checked my new prayer book to see if it had a miscarriage prayer. It doesn't. I wish it did. I need new words.
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3 comments:
You said.. It's a good thing that there never really was a baby in there, because I can't imagine how wrecked I'd be if there had been, given how I can't seem to let this go.
It doesn't matter that there never was a baby in there... for that short amount of time, you thought there was. So, you still lost a baby. You need to let yourself grieve.
A good friend of mine miscarried last year. And she lives in Canada and me in Texas, that was so hard for me I wanted to be there for her. She was trying so hard to be strong about it, for her kids...but it tore her up. She wasn't in her right mind for months. Even now it still upsets her. It's normal, the emotions you are going through.
I did a search and found a prayer for miscarriages...
Prayer For A Parent Whose Child Has Died
Mysterious Lord of Life and Death,
a very part of my own life has died
in the death of my child.
My soul is weighed down with sorrow
and bears the wound of a lifelong scar.
Send to me Your angel of consolation
for the pain is heavy and deep.
Come to my aid, Lord of Mercy,
for I lack the power
of the holy parent, Abraham,
who was willing in obedience to Your
command,
to sacrifice to You his beloved son,
Isaac.
Lord God, You who are also a parent
surely know my Pain at the loss
of my beloved child
who has been taken from my side by
death.
Do not take my tears and sorrow
as a sign of my unbelief that all who
have died
are resurrected to eternal life in You,
but, rather, see in these tears
a sign of my great love for my child.
As I held him in the embrace of love,
may You, his Divine Parent,
hold him close to Your heart forever.
Help me, Lord,
for I do not seek to understand the
why of this mystery of death
as much as I desire to accept it in a
holy way
and to be healed and once again whole.
Support me, my Lord and God,
and wrap me in your gentle love
as I attempt to carry this bitter cross
as Your Son, Jesus, carried the cross
which you gave to Him.
Amen
Oh, Heather, that is beautiful. Thank you so much for sending it to me. It speaks exactly what I've been feeling. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it....
Allison, your post really ministered to me. I recently miscarried and though I don't know a prayer for miscarriages, I did vent a poem about it on my blog at www.cherylwyatt.com , click blog link, message title is "Someday-Heaven." I also have a book that helped me called, "I'll Hold You in Heaven."
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