Friday, March 11, 2005

So now what?

I've been trying to find just the right post topic to use as the next post after Laurie's death. As you can see by the date, it's taken me awhile, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure I found the right one. But I gotta keep writing on this thing, so I figure I might as well just jump back in.

The day we found out what happened to Laurie, we also found out what happened to me: we found out I am pregnant. We'd been in limbo for about a week, getting negative test after negative test, and not knowing why since all other indicators pointed to a pregnancy. Friday I was a mess: I was stressed about not knowing what had happened to Laurie, and I was stressed about not knowing what was going on with me. Finally, that night, I sort of opened my hands to God and said, "You know what's going on everywhere; I don't have to worry about this. Good or bad, what I want or not, both these things are in your hands. Do with them what you will."

The next day I got my first positive, and a few hours later we learned Laurie's fate. It was, honestly, a little creepy to have both happen the same day, and my emotions didn't know which way to go. It didn't get any better as the week went on: some things I won't go into here started happening on Tuesday that I knew weren't supposed to, and until today I've been in limbo yet again waiting to find out if everything was okay. Praise God, all is well (except for a hormone deficiency for which I get to take supplements and give up blood every week to test), and for the first time I think it's starting to sink in that I am going to be a mom. Wow.

It's funny how much easier it is to do things you hate when you know a little life literally depends on it. I hate water. Hate it. Never understood people who walked around with a water bottle all day. But now I'm sucking down the stuff like it's candy because I know the baby needs it. Hate exercise, although not as much as water, and yet I've had no problem getting up every morning at 7 to go walking, because I know the baby needs for my body to be healthy so its body can be healthy. Hate vegetables even more than exercising, and possibly even more than water, and yet I bought a ton of them at Whole Foods the other day because I know the baby needs me to eat them. Been in a total writing slump because my current ms is driving my batty, but now I'm motivated to finish it--as well as the third book--ahead of schedule so that, when the baby arrives this November, I won't have writing hanging over my head and can instead just enjoy getting to know my child.

My Child.

Good Lord, am I ready for this?

1 comment:

ragamuffin diva said...

Girl, I've got a house full of kids, and I still don't think I'm ready! God is good. He'll take care of both of you--all of you.

I was so sorry to read about Laurie. You're in my prayers.

Maybe try a little of that sweetened water. I don't think the baby will mind.

Praying for you.